The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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