i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize