How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
40s are totally the cure
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
