dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
