Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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