took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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