How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
