The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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