Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
