She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
