I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
