Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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