How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
