Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
