well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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