6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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