Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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