Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
