Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize