Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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