I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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