From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
