She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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