I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
