its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize