I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
