I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
