I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can you bring me the toilet please
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
