sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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