Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
