Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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