Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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