dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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