Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
