The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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