my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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