I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
