Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
