I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
