meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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