Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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