i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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