Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
