i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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