hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
