It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
