i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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