I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
