I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
