remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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