there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
