Where did you get a picture of my penis
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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