the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
