im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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