Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
