I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
