I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
