i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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