I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
