I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
