i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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