getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
