my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
