Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
