yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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