life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
