I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
