they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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