...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
